Finding Comfort in Opposition

Opposites attract

Give and take

Balance

These are all ways to describe the opposition that’s required for closeness and connection with another person. In our society, we tend to be very individualistic, “stuck in our ways”, convinced that the way we do things/think things/feel things is the “right” way to do so. Yet, we still find ourselves attracted to the comfort of those who possess the opposite traits. Why?

Humans are confusing. Life is full of contradictions, even in our own minds. We all contain multiple parts; and sometimes these parts contradict each other. Our nervous systems often feel dysregulated when we are faced with this personal imbalance, making emotions difficult to handle. It’s easy to let this dysregulation “win”, avoiding the discomfort of difficult emotions. Instead, we find comfort in our go-to (AKA “safe”) traits, ways, and values - it’s easier for us to stick to what we know. However, this stagnation won’t help us reach our potential, because at our core, we are full of contradictions. Leaning into opposition, and embracing the discomfort that comes with it - though uncomfortable at first - eventually allows us to grow. The more we get comfortable with this discomfort, the more we can find peace with the conflicting parts within ourselves. Without leaning into this opposition, personal growth becomes limited; we all need to be challenged to find momentum in life, and connect with our true selves (not just the familiar parts), despite how challenging it may be to accept.

To achieve something, we must have both urgency and patience. To find connection, we must come together both physically and emotionally. To find answers, we must listen to both logic and feelings. To find our sense of self, we must have both confidence and humility. Although we all possess both sides of all spectrums, very rarely do humans let both sides exist at once. Most of us will agree that one or the other feels more prominent in our lives at any given moment.

So what happens when we meet someone that more prominently possesses the opposite trait? At first, it may feel confusing; we may find ourselves attracted to that quality, and we may also feel fearful or annoyed by that quality. This is an example of the dysregulation that occurs when we acknowledge our personal dichotomy. It’s confusing; not because we have no idea what it feels like to feel what the other person is feeling, but because a part of us does know, we just haven’t spent much time listening to that part. The attraction that we feel to these people speaks to the part of us that does know. The part of us that’s curious about the opposition, that we may have shut down for the majority of our lives. It feels scary because it’s new, not because it’s wrong, and the part of us that relates to this other person feels excited to have a chance to be heard. The other part of us, the one we most often seek comfort in, may feel fearful. At first, embracing this opposition can feel dysregulating, but over time, the discomfort lessens. So, what happens when we lean into the opposition?

Let’s use the example of patience versus urgency, in the context of my own experience. I tend to have a sense of urgency when accomplishing things. Sometimes - often actually - this comes at a fault. I don’t always focus on making sure I accomplish something perfectly, as it feels more important to accomplish it quickly. “Get it out of the way,” is something I say often. This means I may prevent myself from really experiencing great things, as I view everything as a task to complete not a task to enjoy. It also means I may take the first thing I can get, instead of continuing to shop around for the thing that feels right. I may feel overly anxious if something is not done as quickly as I’d hoped, whether by me, my partner, or even strangers (I’m talking about you, rush hour traffic). This may also mean I rush someone who doesn’t need to be rushed, which can affect those around me. I have a hard time discerning when my urgency is warranted, versus when it's a habit. This is an example of me “avoiding” the dysregulation of opposition.

The majority of the time I lack patience, but I am drawn to people who possess it. Maybe these people want to make sure they get the best possible outcome - this may be the task at hand, such as finishing a project or cleaning their house. It may also be the search for something, like a new pair of shoes, or something emotional, such as love. They may take their time, “not to rush the process”. Of course this may come with its own faults; they may miss letting go of things that don’t serve them. They may also focus too much on perfection, and avoid just letting things be as they are, and observing the beauty in the imperfections. Or maybe, they’re simply enjoying the present moment too much, and neglecting their duties and responsibilities along the way. They may have a hard time discerning when their patience is warranted, versus when it’s a habit. Again, this is an example of them “avoiding” the dysregulation of opposition.

Balance comes when people like me and those with patience come together. We need each other to find achievement in life. We need subtle reminders that it’s okay to possess the alternate trait, even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes we even need to be forced into doing so. We need to be challenged so the parts of us that appreciate the opposite trait can flourish. It may never become our go-to quality, but having the other person around will help us to find balance, help us lean into the part of us that craves the opposite trait, and help us improve our discernment and get comfortable with the discomfort of having opposing feelings. Having someone with patience around helps me slow down, and strive for something better than the first option. It’s a reminder that I don’t always need to rush, that I can do great things if I give myself time. Similarly, having people like me around will help the patient folks take advantage of the wonderful things they are offered, jump on opportunities even if they don’t seem perfect, and even help them let go of the idea of perfection. Highlighting a sense of urgency can be a reminder to those patient folks that sometimes, it’s okay to rush something that’s not important, and make room for something better. And they can be a reminder for me that sometimes, stopping to smell the roses is okay.

When we embrace all parts of ourselves, and learn from those who challenge us, we grow. Our balance doesn’t just come from within - it often comes from those who can help us see our contradictions and become more whole.

Written By: Charlotte Pidgeon

Soundtrack to Self-Care: Using Music to Navigate Life’s Ebbs and Flows

Ah, mixed CDs! There’s something so special about them—curating a soundtrack to capture a mood, a memory, or a moment. Growing up, I loved crafting that perfect mix to support how I was feeling at the time. The collection was uniquely mine, one that I used to reflect where I was emotionally and guide me through tough moments. Sometimes, music helped me feel reflective, and other times, carefree, or rebellious. Sometimes, music (cue Blink-182) acted as my own personal emotional language, helping me express what words couldn’t. 

Fast forward to the era of digital music, where an entire world of music is at your fingertips, and creating playlists can be nuanced and layered as your own experiences. A whole new dimension of self-expression through playlists can grow as big or as intricate as your moods, experiences and identity. The beauty of digital playlists offers a deep dive into the themes of your life: Maybe you can relate to the playlist you created for those days you were figuring out who you were, another list celebrates your wins, and maybe a few captured various moods, or experiences.

Music is so much more than just something to listen to – it can be an incredibly powerful and useful self-care strategy for emotional release, comfort and healing. The genre, beat or song you choose can have the ability to create a space where you can feel seen and heard – allowing you to just be fully present with what you are feeling – without judgement or pressure. I like to think that music creates a space where you can breathe, knowing that the music will hold that space for you. 

If you’re thinking about creating a playlist, here are a few things to keep in mind: 

As you begin to listen to music with intention, take note of how the music is impacting you emotionally. Music, even favourite music can elicit emotions we weren’t expecting, even if it’s something we usually love. Giving yourself permission to pause or switch tracks when it feels overwhelming is such an important act of self-care. Sometimes, we don’t realize how much our emotional state influences our relationship with music in the moment. Starting with something that aligns with how you’re feeling and being open to the possibility of needing something different shows a lot of self-awareness.

Is there a song that has helped you find your way forward–one that helps you find your resilience or clarity in the midst of a challenge? Or have you ever had a moment where a song you loved suddenly didn’t fit, and you had to step away for a bit? How did you navigate that? The next time we chat, I’d love to hear about your soundtrack, and how music influences your emotional wellbeing, and overall sense of self-care. Until then, take care and enjoy the music that lifts you up!

Written By: Anne-Marie Maille

Embracing Change: Finding Clarity and Growth in Life’s Transitions

Life is full of transitions, some expected and some completely unexpected. While change is constant, it’s rarely comfortable. More often than not, it brings stress and uncertainty, making us question what path we’re meant to be on.

Think back to a moment of change in your own life that may have altered your course. Maybe it was graduating from college or university and stepping into the unknown, saying yes to a date with someone new, or making the decision to leave a job that no longer felt right. How did it feel? Did your heart race, your hands sweat, or were you calm, cool, and collected? What were the unknowns that filled your mind in that moment?

Now, fast forward. Where did that choice take you? Was it somewhere unexpected? Was the journey smooth, or did you face challenges along the way? Did obstacles you faced shape the person you are today, or were there moments when everything just seemed to click fall into place? Change isn’t always easy, but it often leads to growth and self-discovery.

Life would be simpler if we had a crystal ball to guide our decisions, but easy isn’t always better in the long run. Some of the most rewarding moments, the magic of life, come from the unknown—discovering new passions, learning about the world, and finding strength within ourselves. Change can feel unsettling, even scary, but when we look back, those moments often shape the most meaningful parts of our lives. Even when the road is difficult, there is usually light at the end of the tunnel if we keep moving forward.

Reflecting on moments of change in our lives can help us understand ourselves more deeply. What qualities have helped you through uncertain times? Resilience, patience, courage? Whatever they may be, take pride in knowing you’ve faced the unknown before and made it through. And if the next big change feels overwhelming, therapy can be a great place to untangle the mess, find your footing, and remind yourself that you've handled life’s curveballs before—you’ve got this!

Written By: Natalie James

Wtf is self-care and how to do it

Something that has been popularized over the years is self-care and it’s something I talk to ALL my clients about, but like what actually is it and how do you do it? There are lots of complicated definitions out there about maintaining health, preventing disease, etc. but there is no need to complicate it. I really like to find easy, accessible solutions for my clients so I define it as just taking care of yourself. By showering, you are taking care of your physical health. By calling a friend and venting, you are taking care of your mental, emotional and social health (a triple whammy!!). 

So here are 4 examples of what I do for self-care: 

Blast music and move

This is a combination of whatever music I’m feeling in the moment and I let my body do whatever it needs to do. Sometimes I dance, sometimes I sing, sometimes I lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I allow my body to do whatever it needs to decompress. The only requirement is that the music is so loud that I can’t hear any thoughts.

Lie down and chill

Whenever I feel like I need quiet time, I grab a drink, I lay down on the couch or in bed, grab a cozy blanket and either scroll, watch a show or listen to an audiobook. I lay there for an hour or up to 3 depending on how my body is feeling that day.

Hobbies

I love my hobbies with a burning passion. I am currently surrounded by books, beads, board games, video games, colouring pages, puzzles and even more. Yes, I have a big desk and I absolutely need to clean it. Back to the point, these things bring me joy to do, to work on and to look at. So I keep them within arms reach (or at least within visual range because my brain operates on the out of sight, out of mind principle) and reach for them often.

Brain dump, then create a to do list

If there are way too many things to do (or too many thoughts) and I feel overwhelmed, I make a list of EVERYTHING that’s stressing me out. From tasks at my job to my parents to meal prepping to the state of the world. EVERYTHING. Once my brain finally feels a little more manageable, I reflect on this list realistically. What do I have to do today? What can I do today? What would I like to do today? I focus on today and today only because that’s the day in front of me right now. The rest of that stuff will still be on the list tomorrow.

Ps. I don’t do these everyday, I am not perfect, neither are you and that’s okay! 

If you have any questions, comments or thoughts about what I have written here, I want to hear them! Email me, let’s chat! alex@charlottepidgeon.com

Written By: Alex Zebeljan

Plurisexual identity & mental health – mine & yours

Growing up in Canada, we are socialized with a discourse which privileges monosexual identities (gay or straight) over plurisexual ones (such as bisexual, bi+, pansexual, and more). This discourse can sound something like: “bisexuality isn’t real”, “it’s a steppingstone to coming out as gay”, or “it’s just something somebody says for attention”. So, folks who identify as plurisexual are tasked to accept and integrate a sexual identity that we’ve been taught to invalidate. 

I identify as pansexual, although I prefer the label “Queer”. Which I suppose is ironic, since I have struggled to feel like I have the right to take up space in Queer settings. I still wrestle with thoughts of “what if they think I’m not Queer enough?”. This fear has been especially strong since my marriage, since the lens of presumed heterosexuality frames my relationship with a cisgender heterosexual man as “straight-passing”. Using the term “partner” instead of “husband” is one of the ways I try to disequilibrate these kinds of assumptions. 

With time I have recognized these fears as the product of the biphobia and monosexism I have internalized. Anti-plurisexual discourse is designed to instill those thoughts and feelings. I read an article once that framed the question: “Am I _____ enough?” as the oppressor’s question. For me, this is a powerful reminder that these fears are not my own. When I understand them as a tool of the dominant discourse, I can decenter them and find space for more authentic ways of thinking and feeling.

I take the impact of internalized stigma seriously. The plurisexual community has higher rates of many mental illnesses than monosexual communities do. There are unique factors that contribute to this – plurisexual erasure, invalidation, invisibilization, lack of representation, and discrimination from people both outside and inside the Queer community. I understand that as a plurisexual person, sometimes it can feel like there is not place where your identity belongs. If you are feeling that way, please know: I see you. I honor your place here. You are so welcome in this space. Your experience and identity are an important part of the Queer community. Your value is not defined by the gender of your partner(s). You are not alone.

I am here to talk if you are struggling with stigma from the world around you, or from within.

Written by: Cassidy Connolly

What’s your favourite colour?

When was the last time someone asked you “what’s your favourite colour?”

I love colour - whether it’s the clothes I wear, the flowers I admire, the accents in my home or the art I create, colour is at the basis of my being. Growing up with my artist mum, colour has always been a big part of my life. The truth is, it’s a big part of all our lives, so I know I’m not alone, but based on how little we talk about it, sometimes I feel like I am. So, I can’t help but wonder why “what’s your favourite colour?” isn’t a common question for adults? Is it no longer important or valuable, now that we’ve grown out of our childlike wonder?

To me, there’s something about these childlike interests that feels especially valuable to understand. Knowing someone’s favourite colour helps me see people more clearly, as if this awareness opens up a window, displaying their truest self. It feels like an extremely vulnerable piece of information, framed as a fun, childlike conversation. I always want to know your favourite colour. I want to know what you’re attracted to, what seasons resonate with you the most, if you prefer to stare at the sunset or mountains or flower gardens or the water, if you enjoy brightness in your space, or if you prefer to surround yourself with neutral tones. I want to know if how you present yourself is different from, or the same as, what you’re drawn to. I want to know what art you would put in your home, or what colour lighting you feel most comfortable in. Why do I want to know these things? Because I want to know you - I want to feel closer to who you are and how your mind works, not just what you do for work or where you live or what you did last weekend (although these things are valuable in their own right!)

So today I’d like to share with you my favourite colour - orange. As I grow into this facet of myself, I’ve discovered what this means about me:

My favourite colour is orange. When surrounded by other warm tones, such as soft pink, yellow, beige and terra cotta, orange makes me feel safe and warm. When accompanied by pops of yellowy green and natural wood in the form of plants, furniture, art, and ceramics, orange makes me feel confident and energized. I like warm lighting to accentuate the orange, while creating a softness that allows it to fit in. I like my favourite colour to compliment the already beautiful things in my life, rather than to pop on its own. This aligns with my desire to see the full picture, rather than focus on the little things. To find the underlying message in things rather than focusing on the main event.

To me, these hues feel like a pep talk. They create a sense of comfort, allowing me to fully relax and remember my purpose. They balance out whatever emotions I’m experiencing, making those emotions feel more welcome. I want to feel like I’m drinking a tropical drink on a hot day, or drinking a warm drink on a winter day. Whatever I need physically or emotionally, orange provides. I want it to feel like I’m living in the most beautiful sunset imaginable and getting lost in the view, forgetting about everything going on around me. When I close my eyes, I find comfort in picturing these tones - it’s grounding for me. The colour orange in this context feels like a reminder of how peaceful life can be if we let it.

I encourage you to think about your favourite colours and how they make you feel. Not only is your favourite colour a reflection of who you are, which is always a valuable thing to reflect on, but it’s also an opportunity to connect with your inner child - to understand what makes them feel safe and like themselves. I encourage you to make this a topic of conversation with your loved ones - get to know them a little more, or see if you can guess their favourite colour based on what you already know about them. I encourage you to ask those you meet what colours they’re drawn to and allow this information to tell you something about them. And I encourage you to tell me your favourite colour next time we chat.

Written by: Charlotte Pidgeon