Plurisexual identity & mental health – mine & yours

Growing up in Canada, we are socialized with a discourse which privileges monosexual identities (gay or straight) over plurisexual ones (such as bisexual, bi+, pansexual, and more). This discourse can sound something like: “bisexuality isn’t real”, “it’s a steppingstone to coming out as gay”, or “it’s just something somebody says for attention”. So, folks who identify as plurisexual are tasked to accept and integrate a sexual identity that we’ve been taught to invalidate. 

I identify as pansexual, although I prefer the label “Queer”. Which I suppose is ironic, since I have struggled to feel like I have the right to take up space in Queer settings. I still wrestle with thoughts of “what if they think I’m not Queer enough?”. This fear has been especially strong since my marriage, since the lens of presumed heterosexuality frames my relationship with a cisgender heterosexual man as “straight-passing”. Using the term “partner” instead of “husband” is one of the ways I try to disequilibrate these kinds of assumptions. 

With time I have recognized these fears as the product of the biphobia and monosexism I have internalized. Anti-plurisexual discourse is designed to instill those thoughts and feelings. I read an article once that framed the question: “Am I _____ enough?” as the oppressor’s question. For me, this is a powerful reminder that these fears are not my own. When I understand them as a tool of the dominant discourse, I can decenter them and find space for more authentic ways of thinking and feeling.

I take the impact of internalized stigma seriously. The plurisexual community has higher rates of many mental illnesses than monosexual communities do. There are unique factors that contribute to this – plurisexual erasure, invalidation, invisibilization, lack of representation, and discrimination from people both outside and inside the Queer community. I understand that as a plurisexual person, sometimes it can feel like there is not place where your identity belongs. If you are feeling that way, please know: I see you. I honor your place here. You are so welcome in this space. Your experience and identity are an important part of the Queer community. Your value is not defined by the gender of your partner(s). You are not alone.

I am here to talk if you are struggling with stigma from the world around you, or from within.

Written by: Cassidy Connolly