Finding Comfort in Opposition
Opposites attract
Give and take
Balance
These are all ways to describe the opposition that’s required for closeness and connection with another person. In our society, we tend to be very individualistic, “stuck in our ways”, convinced that the way we do things/think things/feel things is the “right” way to do so. Yet, we still find ourselves attracted to the comfort of those who possess the opposite traits. Why?
Humans are confusing. Life is full of contradictions, even in our own minds. We all contain multiple parts; and sometimes these parts contradict each other. Our nervous systems often feel dysregulated when we are faced with this personal imbalance, making emotions difficult to handle. It’s easy to let this dysregulation “win”, avoiding the discomfort of difficult emotions. Instead, we find comfort in our go-to (AKA “safe”) traits, ways, and values - it’s easier for us to stick to what we know. However, this stagnation won’t help us reach our potential, because at our core, we are full of contradictions. Leaning into opposition, and embracing the discomfort that comes with it - though uncomfortable at first - eventually allows us to grow. The more we get comfortable with this discomfort, the more we can find peace with the conflicting parts within ourselves. Without leaning into this opposition, personal growth becomes limited; we all need to be challenged to find momentum in life, and connect with our true selves (not just the familiar parts), despite how challenging it may be to accept.
To achieve something, we must have both urgency and patience. To find connection, we must come together both physically and emotionally. To find answers, we must listen to both logic and feelings. To find our sense of self, we must have both confidence and humility. Although we all possess both sides of all spectrums, very rarely do humans let both sides exist at once. Most of us will agree that one or the other feels more prominent in our lives at any given moment.
So what happens when we meet someone that more prominently possesses the opposite trait? At first, it may feel confusing; we may find ourselves attracted to that quality, and we may also feel fearful or annoyed by that quality. This is an example of the dysregulation that occurs when we acknowledge our personal dichotomy. It’s confusing; not because we have no idea what it feels like to feel what the other person is feeling, but because a part of us does know, we just haven’t spent much time listening to that part. The attraction that we feel to these people speaks to the part of us that does know. The part of us that’s curious about the opposition, that we may have shut down for the majority of our lives. It feels scary because it’s new, not because it’s wrong, and the part of us that relates to this other person feels excited to have a chance to be heard. The other part of us, the one we most often seek comfort in, may feel fearful. At first, embracing this opposition can feel dysregulating, but over time, the discomfort lessens. So, what happens when we lean into the opposition?
Let’s use the example of patience versus urgency, in the context of my own experience. I tend to have a sense of urgency when accomplishing things. Sometimes - often actually - this comes at a fault. I don’t always focus on making sure I accomplish something perfectly, as it feels more important to accomplish it quickly. “Get it out of the way,” is something I say often. This means I may prevent myself from really experiencing great things, as I view everything as a task to complete not a task to enjoy. It also means I may take the first thing I can get, instead of continuing to shop around for the thing that feels right. I may feel overly anxious if something is not done as quickly as I’d hoped, whether by me, my partner, or even strangers (I’m talking about you, rush hour traffic). This may also mean I rush someone who doesn’t need to be rushed, which can affect those around me. I have a hard time discerning when my urgency is warranted, versus when it's a habit. This is an example of me “avoiding” the dysregulation of opposition.
The majority of the time I lack patience, but I am drawn to people who possess it. Maybe these people want to make sure they get the best possible outcome - this may be the task at hand, such as finishing a project or cleaning their house. It may also be the search for something, like a new pair of shoes, or something emotional, such as love. They may take their time, “not to rush the process”. Of course this may come with its own faults; they may miss letting go of things that don’t serve them. They may also focus too much on perfection, and avoid just letting things be as they are, and observing the beauty in the imperfections. Or maybe, they’re simply enjoying the present moment too much, and neglecting their duties and responsibilities along the way. They may have a hard time discerning when their patience is warranted, versus when it’s a habit. Again, this is an example of them “avoiding” the dysregulation of opposition.
Balance comes when people like me and those with patience come together. We need each other to find achievement in life. We need subtle reminders that it’s okay to possess the alternate trait, even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes we even need to be forced into doing so. We need to be challenged so the parts of us that appreciate the opposite trait can flourish. It may never become our go-to quality, but having the other person around will help us to find balance, help us lean into the part of us that craves the opposite trait, and help us improve our discernment and get comfortable with the discomfort of having opposing feelings. Having someone with patience around helps me slow down, and strive for something better than the first option. It’s a reminder that I don’t always need to rush, that I can do great things if I give myself time. Similarly, having people like me around will help the patient folks take advantage of the wonderful things they are offered, jump on opportunities even if they don’t seem perfect, and even help them let go of the idea of perfection. Highlighting a sense of urgency can be a reminder to those patient folks that sometimes, it’s okay to rush something that’s not important, and make room for something better. And they can be a reminder for me that sometimes, stopping to smell the roses is okay.
When we embrace all parts of ourselves, and learn from those who challenge us, we grow. Our balance doesn’t just come from within - it often comes from those who can help us see our contradictions and become more whole.
Written By: Charlotte Pidgeon
